Sunday, January 6, 2013

Coming back to it?

I’ve been away; obviously. It’s almost two months since I’ve posted something on here. Thinking about how long that is; it doesn’t seem like it’s been that long. How times goes by as you get older; how times goes by as you become increasingly lazy in life.  At least that’s how it is for me I’m afraid. I don’t understand why I want so badly to do things but I’m not motivated enough to actually do them.  It’s ridiculous. I feel I’m actually putting myself in a horrible mood, making me physically ill with boredom and sadness just because I can’t sit up and do something.  It’s so dumb.  I don’t see how this self-realization of my situation can help; in fact I think it makes it worse because I understand my situation. Therefore I’ve lost all naiveté and must hold myself accountable for my actions and behaviors. If I didn’t understand what I was doing or why then I can’t blame someone else. It’s always easier to blame someone or something else then to hold yourself accountable. No resolutions, no goals, no promises. I apparently do better and achieve more if I just do it when I want to do it. As soon as I make it more than that, the motivation is gone. The urge and yearning to physical write is there; my stories scream at me to be told.  It’s odd if I were single, no husband, no son I think I would submerge myself in my writing with giant bouts of laziness and not worry about any responsibilities at all.  I’m so worried that I’ll start down that road with my family and responsibilities and I will become engulf taking me away from the things I really need to be focusing on.  It worries me so much that I’d rather be lazy and not write, then to sit up, write, and get into something that actually makes me feel good.  It’s so interesting.  Well more annoying and disappointment in myself but still interesting.  I’ve recently been thinking a lot about my past as well and certain things I’m remember from when I was a child are very similar to things I’ve done as an adult.  It really makes me thing how my next thirty years in life will be and how much my behavior will not have changed.  I physical grew up from child to adult but certain things stayed the same and I never knew it.  Will this self-realization even help me in my next however many years I’m still here? Or will it be an “oh I’ve done that before I should have paid more attention” type situations.  Well, I must say 2013 isn’t starting out so great, maybe I can use this to make something out of it.

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