Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Thoughts of the Day

The elephant doesn’t seem to be stalking me right away this morning.  If you don’t understand what I mean by that please review my last post then return to this. Kind of rude wasn’t it, oh well I’m sure you’re not too overwhelmed by it and will read on.  I wasn’t counting on my elephant-free zone to continue very long.  It did come and go throughout the day but it did lose some weight. 

I started scanning through other blogs last night after completing this one and everyone was so happy and brightly colored.  No dark, sad, dank corners of the world were found.  Maybe I haven’t looked in the right places yet, it seems the “next” button is turning me to the bright side of lives.    

I didn’t have any dreams last night to write about; I was sad about that.  It didn’t help that every time I blinked in bed last night an hour or two would go by.  I don’t remember fall asleep at all and time just skipped itself.  The feeling of wanting to stay home so I can focus on writing came around again, but then another dose of reality hit.  How productive would I actually be if I was home all day?  I always answer, “Not much” and that’s the end of that conversation. 

So I’ve been easily sent into jealous spirals as of late.  When I hear someone is doing well, of course I congratulate them, but deep down I wish I had what they had.  Don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining about my life at all; it’s actually really great.  I’m just selfish like all other human beings and those feelings have been easily relied.  Of course one must remind themselves that they can’t have anything different if they don’t do anything different.  This always sets me back in place to remember how awesome I am at doing nothing; therefore I will get nothing. 

Monday, June 25, 2012

Thoughts of the Day

Thoughts of the Day
I have that feeling of worthlessness/pain again on my way to work.  My eyes feel like they are on the verge of tears.  I don’t know why.  The only thing that has helped me get a little out of that feeling is writing.  Sometimes working on my book and a lot of times just writing in here.  I hate the fact that I can’t figure out why I’ve been feeling this way.  Since I can’t figure it out, I can’t fix it.  I have had a few thoughts that maybe I’m not being challenged enough but I know I have plenty of things I can set for myself.  I just don’t.  I don’t seem to have anyone to impress anymore of feel like I’ll let down; so I don’t have that feeling of constantly needing to improve myself.  I truly feel that everything I’ve done and felt someone in this history of the world has gone through it.  I really wish I knew what they did to get out of it…or did they?  Wish I knew if there was light at the end of the tunnel.  It sounds so petty when I think like this because it’s not the end of the world.  It’s just a crappy feeling that won’t go away and it’s affecting me.  I don’t like it!  I am thinking of starting a blog to post these thoughts somewhere to share with the public.  I doesn’t bother that they read this or they know this about me.  Everyone goes through this; it’s just my time to deal.  This horrible feeling only gets worse when I start to ponder on it because I love my family and my life right now is great.  So why am I getting that feeling so hard and so frequently? That’s the question.  What is it that’s causing it?  When I’m home with them, doing things, it will lift for a little while but it always comes back.  If it’s not that night it will be on the way to work.  It’s just silly because I’ve been working towards this job for a long time and now I have it.  I’ve had it for only a few months this impending doom feeling has started.  Maybe it’s because I’ve finally reached my goal and I have nothing else set for myself. I thought that maybe this started because I took some advice from Thomas to post on a sight with some of my writings.  I gathered a few responses but they were creepy so I stopped.  Not sure why I would feel bad about taking his advice and then choosing to stop because of bad feedback. 

I really wish I could do more writing at home.  I know I need to and I really do want to because I have thoughts I want to get out on paper.   I know that when I don’t write I get annoyed at myself and that does build onto that feeling of worthlessness.  I also enjoy typing; just sitting at the keyboard and listening to the noise of the keyboard as I type away with whatever thought is on the brain.  I’ve been looking into the process of how to publish; whether self-published or e published or whatever.  Then I remind myself, quit often, that I have to finish something before I can even start that process.  So another annoyance at myself for being lazy, I can’t do the process of sharing my work if I haven’t written it down to share. 

Welcome! I’ve started this blog to…well…to share me and my random daily, weekly, monthly thoughts about me, you, and everything.  I’ve hit kind of a slump lately and I can’t seem to figure it out. I’m hoping that doing a little writing here and there will help me push on.  Someone may read this or no one may ever find this.  Either way I’m hoping to stick with it more than one day.  Day one starts now, we shall see what the world will throw my way before tomorrow's writing gets here.  I’ve been writing in a notebook at work when I start to feel the elephant on my head just sitting there staring through my soul like I should know why he’s there.  Alas, I do not so I try to right down how I feeling and what I’m feeling about to appease this massive mental weight so I can move on with my day.  And this folks is what you’ll be ready about.  I may put in other things like my strange dreams I have every once in a while or thoughts for writing. I hope this helps me do more writing as well because I’m working on a story per-say and I would like to continue with it.  So we shall see how things progress from day to whatever tomorrow brings.