Monday, June 25, 2012

Thoughts of the Day

Thoughts of the Day
I have that feeling of worthlessness/pain again on my way to work.  My eyes feel like they are on the verge of tears.  I don’t know why.  The only thing that has helped me get a little out of that feeling is writing.  Sometimes working on my book and a lot of times just writing in here.  I hate the fact that I can’t figure out why I’ve been feeling this way.  Since I can’t figure it out, I can’t fix it.  I have had a few thoughts that maybe I’m not being challenged enough but I know I have plenty of things I can set for myself.  I just don’t.  I don’t seem to have anyone to impress anymore of feel like I’ll let down; so I don’t have that feeling of constantly needing to improve myself.  I truly feel that everything I’ve done and felt someone in this history of the world has gone through it.  I really wish I knew what they did to get out of it…or did they?  Wish I knew if there was light at the end of the tunnel.  It sounds so petty when I think like this because it’s not the end of the world.  It’s just a crappy feeling that won’t go away and it’s affecting me.  I don’t like it!  I am thinking of starting a blog to post these thoughts somewhere to share with the public.  I doesn’t bother that they read this or they know this about me.  Everyone goes through this; it’s just my time to deal.  This horrible feeling only gets worse when I start to ponder on it because I love my family and my life right now is great.  So why am I getting that feeling so hard and so frequently? That’s the question.  What is it that’s causing it?  When I’m home with them, doing things, it will lift for a little while but it always comes back.  If it’s not that night it will be on the way to work.  It’s just silly because I’ve been working towards this job for a long time and now I have it.  I’ve had it for only a few months this impending doom feeling has started.  Maybe it’s because I’ve finally reached my goal and I have nothing else set for myself. I thought that maybe this started because I took some advice from Thomas to post on a sight with some of my writings.  I gathered a few responses but they were creepy so I stopped.  Not sure why I would feel bad about taking his advice and then choosing to stop because of bad feedback. 

I really wish I could do more writing at home.  I know I need to and I really do want to because I have thoughts I want to get out on paper.   I know that when I don’t write I get annoyed at myself and that does build onto that feeling of worthlessness.  I also enjoy typing; just sitting at the keyboard and listening to the noise of the keyboard as I type away with whatever thought is on the brain.  I’ve been looking into the process of how to publish; whether self-published or e published or whatever.  Then I remind myself, quit often, that I have to finish something before I can even start that process.  So another annoyance at myself for being lazy, I can’t do the process of sharing my work if I haven’t written it down to share. 

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