...Yep...

I just read a cool poem for Nanowrimo, I shared it on my Facebook page.  It all starts in less then three hours.  Where will I be then? Sleeping of course, I do have a full time job you know.  My writing buddy already told me that he has his outline all done and is going to get his 50,000 words done in 20 days instead of the normal 30. Over achiever! I'd be happy if I made it half way.  Last year I think I got to around 10,000, which is awesome for me.  I really want to work on my bridge story that has no name.  I should pull out all my random notes I wrote out all last year and review the writing I did do on it. Maybe that would be a good refresher for me before starting my writing up again on it.  Or just doing some flash fictions into my blog. I think that if I make the 50,000 word mark at the end of November, whether one full story or not, I will have accomplished something great for myself.  It would mean I stuck with something and completed it.  For me that's a big step.  It seems this post is leaning me more towards doing Nano then just doing the daily blog thing.  Well I might still do the daily blog thing to share frustrations throughout my journey.  I guess we shall just see what I decide to do tomorrow. If I make something to concrete I may not do any of it. If I leave it to loose in the wind I wont care enough. Such a fine line I have to walk to get me to do something.  You would think it would be easier to say, "I'm going to do this today," and do it. 

TANGENT ALERT: I think that's why I like my job so much. I have to go and when I get there and start doing knowing that I will get things done. I really enjoy my job.  It's one thing after another and I know I'm good at it.  I'm sure with writing; if I were to just start doing it each day I'd be more dedicated because I'd see progress.  I see progress in my work when I'm in my office and that's what keeps me going.  Maybe it's the tangible things I need to keep in mind. I hate having stacks of papers on my desk.  I'm always pushing for more things to be done on the computer but maybe with my writing I need to print things out so I can see that I'm accomplishing something. Who knows; maybe I'll try that.  But then again ink is very expensive. EKK! All that writing to come up with a good idea to try and motivate myself and with little thought and sentence I dashed it away.  I'm just good like that apparently.

Okay that's enough ranting for today. I've probably made close to a normal days word count for November. If only it was November so I could count these words!

“To Blog” or “To NanoWrimo” that is the question…

I really want to gain the achievement (Yes, this is a WoW nerd reference) of completing the 50,000 words in November and I know I have the story to do it.  Unfortunately, I don’t have the discipline to do this…yet.  Starting small and completing smaller challenges to work my way up will be the best way to achieve this goal. Do I like that? No, of course I don’t.  I want to do the giant challenge and do it now! Immediate gratification is what being an American is all about. One would think that being an adult that adult decisions would be made automatically, boy I wish that were the case. Whether that’s the right attitude or not it’s a hard one to keep in check.  Yes, we can all work hard and persevere but the attitude of wanting it all and wanting it now it so overwhelming that I to fall into that pit.  This attitude of wanting to put something of mine out there for people to review, talk about, and talk to me about is so overwhelming. I just continually have to tell myself that I have to DO the work, writing, whatever before I can get to that step in the process.  Knowing how to publish won’t do me any good if I can’t sit down and write something.  So back to my original question because I love going down different tangents; maybe the blog a day in November would be a good start for me.  Yes I have my story that I started, oh man it’s been over a year ago, and it needs more work.  I think it will be big enough that I’ll be working on it forever.  At least with blogging I can write down how I feel, my thoughts for new projects I won’t ever get to, or anything I want to spew out there to the world.

I should make up my mind today since it is October 31, 2012, but I can always push it off till tomorrow knowing that I need to have something written by the time I go to bed.  It will either be 2,000 words for Nano or a blog.  If I go the blog route I should work on some of my flash fiction, heck I mean start doing some flash fiction to get some story writing in and completing my blog.  If I go the Nano route that will be one step closer to getting my book(s) written out.

Why so many bad dreams?

So apparently last night I was to have one bad dream after another.  I can’t remember all of them but I know I had a few of them before I woke up the first time.  As I try to remember the dreams they slowly fade away so here’s my attempt to try and remember what I can before they are gone.

I was standing in the middle of a roof on a tall building watching a very specific storm cloud.  I knew I had seen this cloud in another dream of mine. It looked so familiar; I thought it was very odd that it was back. I noticed that there were giant letters affixed to the edge of the roof, though I never looked close enough to figure out what it spelled.  A wild party was going on all around me and on the street below.  I didn’t care about this party as I was fixated on why this cloud was in this dream.  As I sit writing this out I don’t ever remember this cloud being in another dream; but in this dream I clearly remember seeing it before.  Suddenly a helicopter with people hanging and partying off of every inch inside and out (I didn’t see propellers of any kind attached to the helicopter) slammed into the letters on the roof and bodies went everywhere. I was suddenly next to the helicopter looking at the pinned bodies and leaning over the edge to watch the helicopter fall onto the ground crushing more people on the street below. There was so much gore all around me and people scream down below.  I woke up.

I went to the bathroom and as I stumbled back to bed all I could think was that I really hoped that I wouldn’t have any more.  Well that sure didn’t help.

I was in an open walled restaurant with booths laid out in a half rectangle shape towards a park across the street.  I was there with my and see what I would do.  They all seemed to know my extreme phobia of snakes and thought it was funny.  As soon as he let the snake go into this booth area I can remember the feeling of extreme fear wash down me. I jumped up onto the top of the back of one of the booths to try and get some distance from the ground as I could see it slithering my direction.  It wasn’t looking at me but I didn’t care, it was in my general area and I could see it.  I could hear laughter from all my friends that stood outside the area watching how I was reacting to this creature.  Next thing I knew it had sprung into the air and was slithering through the air at me, I grabbed at some decorative shelving that was above my head and pulled down on it as hard as I could. It slammed into the snake just as it got close and sent it backwards. My dream cuts out; I am suddenly on the other side of the area, again standing on the top of a booth as the snake seemed to be closing in on me again, not phased by the recent shelving until being smashed into it.  I pulled off another piece of shelving off the wall and just start smashing it not the ground over and over again. My dream fades out again. I’m breathing deeply with the shelf in my hands as I look and see the snake on the ground near one of the doorways out of this area and a small kid, no more than 5 years old walks up and picks the limp snake up by his head with a finger in its mouth as it was a play toy.  My gut just sinks; I want to get out of there. I didn’t care that my husband was there with these people I wanted to go.  But of course I couldn’t find my keys.  They were in my jacket that I had placed at the other side of the area.  I carefully walk over on the tops of the booths watching every inch of the floor I can to make sure there weren’t any other surprises from the snake; jump down and run out of there searching for my keys.  I woke up.

Rambling...

WARNING: This is NOT edited, sort of like doing a journal/brainstorming and you’ll just have to deal! Every time I want to start writing I look something up; whether it’s about the impending doom on NanoWrimo or just someone’s view of writing.  Either way I’m sorely disappointed when I’m done reading about it. I don’t know why I have such an urge to write with all these random ideas throughout the day that I want to rush home and right about. Of course as soon as I start that journey of rushing home, 20 minutes later and that trip has devoured my ambition to write.  Though I sometimes come up with more ideas; bonus right?  I read these multitudes of pages from people showing and telling about how to write better or be a better writing or how to sit on the toilet correctly so you can write the perfect sentence.  Gee, don’t I sound like a negative Nancy…well to be honest the best way to describe that part of me is a quote from my husband, “You always have a way to see the challenges one might face in any new endeavor.”  I do that to myself a million times a day, someone is just lucky if I throw my thoughts their way.  I don’t read much or at all so that’s a strike against a handful of writers out there who say  that if you want to write you need to be, or most likely are, an avid reader.  Oh I’ll pick up a book once maybe twice a year and have it read that night. I’m obsessive like that; but that’s about as far as it goes.  I have to keep that urge in check so I don’t completely cut out the rest of world.  Then there’s the rule of writing every day, everywhere you go, which I can see more of. I’ve at least tried this a few time.  Sometimes in the morning at work before starting the day; but apparently only when I’m not feeling myself do I actually stick to that rule.  It does help me get out of that crappy shell feeling.  But the question is do I stick with any of those plans? The audience replies….NO!  Oh aren’t’ they all so happy looking when they should that, as if they were going to receive a price for giving an answer we all already know.  Oh well, they try their best.  What about contests you say? Oh the world of finding and doing writing challenges and contests.  I think this is a great idea and I’ve looked up my fair share.  I may even write them down and start the name of the challenge/contest and rules on a new Word document and save it.  This starts and ends it for me.  It’s the old phrase of having the cart before the horse.  I’m looking for how to work with a finish product when all I have are ideas and a few sentences.  I hope that these searches for challenges and contests would urge me to finish something.  Alas, that’s a negative.  But as you can see I’ve actually started writing this really long paragraph and only got up once.  Yay for me!  But what do I really want? Well I’m sure it’s what everyone else out there wants.  To have the determination to actually start, continue working on, and complete something.  Doesn’t sound hard does it? Well that’s why I like my job. It makes me get up, makes me get there and start work that I actually love doing once I get myself going (a mountain dew always helps).  And know that the end of the day is coming so I can take that okay length drive home and loss all interesting in what I had thought of through the day.  Then be bummed by bedtime that I didn’t have the energy or will to actually sit down and write.  Oh and let me tell you this cycle you are reading about, doesn’t end.  I go through it in moments, days, weeks it doesn’t matter and it doesn’t have to be with writing either. It’s whatever I decide I should start doing today or this moment.  Right now it’s writing about how frustrated I am with not being able to finish something and I’m not sure I’ll finish…